Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Heart....

Just ramblings... Sorry I jump from topic to topic....

When I love someone, I love them with all that I have to give. I always thought that was one of my positive qualities about me... but when you lose that person or come close to losing that person... It takes a toll on your heart. I am a very emotional person I have come to find. It does not take much to pull at my heart strings and make me tear up. Sometimes I feel like crying is as easy as breathing for me. I subconsciously try to make people happy, even if it means hurting myself. Sometimes I feel like an open book... I'll spill my heart to anyone I think cares... but at the same time, no one really knows what I'm feeling... I can vent and vent, and I still feel like no one knows Natalie. It's frustrating to know that certain events in my life have changed my perspective on things. And no matter how hard I try to tell myself to not think that way or not act that way.... It is just an automatic thing. I've put myself in many stupid situations and have made some incredibly stupid choices already in my life, and I'm ready to stop making them... But more than that I want to let them go and not eat away at me... not make me feel like a bad person. I find that the hardest person to forgive is myself. I don't know what I'm really trying to say in this... I just need to write things out and maybe I'll find something useful in it to help me right now. I guess there are just a lot of things bringing me down lately... my brother moving... brent being so far away, trying to save money, growing up, moving. All that. It's just wearing me down. This past week I've just felt... so depressed. Like my life is out of my control... out of my hands. I'm just having Deja Vu... I just want to be out of this rut I'm in... I don't even know the cause, but it makes me have a negative outlook on everything else in my life... and I'd like to stop it before it ruins everything good in my life.